When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
