I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
