Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
