She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I have tasted many bathrooms
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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