we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
