He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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