Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My ATM looks so different sober.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
