Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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