How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
