i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
