You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
