Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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