Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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