Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
