john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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