I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
