When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
