I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
