you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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