Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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