I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
