haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
