So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
