I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
