Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
