I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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