I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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