People in love make me want to vomit
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
