Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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