Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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