i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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