Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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