why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
