Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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