Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
