watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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