hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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