I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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