dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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