life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
