Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When did angry sex become our thing?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
