I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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