I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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