Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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