I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
