I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
