Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
