Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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