I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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