i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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