I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
