I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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