dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
