he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
