I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
