Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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