Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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