Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
