she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
