Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
