dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm passing your future prison.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
