Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
