Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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